Anyone who might read this, I hope you appreciate yourself for who you are. I've always been insanely self-conscious my whole life and it's all beginning to really stress me out and weigh on me more and more by the day.
I never appreciated some things that I had when I was growing up. Things that seem so trivial, like being able to buy clothing at most standard stores, or not feeling embarrassed about your hair (or lack thereof), and just generally not feeling presentable and attractive to anyone.
Ugh, such fucking self-loathing babble, I apologize, but sometimes I swear I would take a full head of hair in exchange for something else valuable to me, such as, oh I don't know, my height? My singing voice? My musical ability? My ability to walk? Bring it on.
It's such a fucking downer not being able to buy 99% of the cool t-shirts out there because they don't make them in my size, or not being able to drive my dad's car because I don't fit in it.
This is probably the most superficial, shallow, bullshit post I will ever write (and I think I wrote that before so take what you will from that,) but seriously, whoever may stumble upon this site, I hope you appreciate yourself for who you are, at least most of the time. It really sucks otherwise.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
The Day The Sky Was On Fire
This happened a while back, but I still think it came out cool on photo.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Sometimes I feel like running away..
That sounds pretty juvenile/dramatic, but really, sometimes I just really wish I could move somewhere completely different without looking back, and try to start my life over.
I want to preface that I am not completely unhappy with my life as a whole right now; I've got good friends, I have a pretty relaxed schedule, I'm not quite completely broke yet, I'm learning something new and improving at something every day. It could definitely be a lot worse.
But, I think about what I've done with myself since graduating high school and what my future looks like. I've worked a few jobs that were good experiences, I don't regret them all, but I've been in school for almost 2 years now and honestly hate it. I shouldn't be here but I haven't made the attempt to get a job and get back to the working life. I guess a part of me is having a hard time of letting go of the lack of responsibility I (mostly) had while growing up. I think I will get down to it at the start of the New Year.
Other than that, the majority of my free time has been spent playing video games, or more specifically, a single video game named WoW. I'm not going to say I completely regret playing the game for so long. I've had a lot of fun times on there with friends. But, I do wish that I had spent the last 4 years of my life on something else.
For the past few weeks I haven't been on the game for more than a few minutes, and I really don't miss it at all. I find much more joy in writing, playing guitar or drums, singing, playing beatmania/DDR, etc. I used to think I loved playing MMORPGs because of the value of 'accomplishment'. I put time into my character and get to see the rewards for that and show them off. But now, I find much more joy in being able to say "Holy shit, I can pass Vault of Heaven on hyper now, I couldn't do that a few weeks ago," then I ever did by saying "Wow look at my new piece of epic gear..."
So I don't know about all that. The expansion pack of course comes out in about a month, but I'm really not excited about it. At all. All the work I've put into the game for the past 2.5 years is going to be negated quickly by the natural progression of an MMO post-expansion. I mean, it is what it is, I guess, but I'm just ready to be done with it. I think I'm ready to be done with MMOs in general, but I haven't decided for sure. Yet.
In gaming related news, I recently started playing BF2 again and, I don't know what happened, but I am fucking amazing these days. Like seriously, I might not get the best team scores, but my accuracy with the sniper has somehow dramatically improved after not playing for months. Weird.
There's a fuckton of road construction going on in my town right now, and it pisses me off for one reason only; Whenever an intersection is under construction, the stoplights never work properly. It's seriously beyond aggravating having to sit at a red light waiting to go straight for 5 minutes, because the left turn lights are on for cars that aren't there. WOW. Fix the damn lights you assholes. I find myself having to pull a fucking National Treasure and go the most random, obscure backstreets just to get across town.
Actually been making some progress on LTTS lately, and it's been as surprising as it has gratifying that I've been getting that much done. I was scared I wouldn't be able to continue it after I realized I hadn't updated it for 3 months, but I found that coming back to it was pretty easy, and I've been happy with what I've added to it since then. Hopefully others will see it up to my "par", whatever that may be.
My brother is getting married this weekend, and I'm not going. It's a long, drama-licious story that is way too long for this post, but basically the shit is going to hit the fan when my family realizes that I'm not there. That's OK, I mean my family sucks and is full of completely insane narcissists, but still.
Beatmania IIDX 15: DJ Troopers is coming out in December! I can't wait. I've been playing it rabidly at the arcade for the past year and I can't wait to pop it in the PS2 and play through all the awesome songs in that version at home.
I guess that's all for now. It's 4:30 AM and I really need to try and fall asleep. I'm getting a weird twitch in my left eye too, I think that means it's time to close my laptop here. I really wish I wasn't such an insomniac.
I want to preface that I am not completely unhappy with my life as a whole right now; I've got good friends, I have a pretty relaxed schedule, I'm not quite completely broke yet, I'm learning something new and improving at something every day. It could definitely be a lot worse.
But, I think about what I've done with myself since graduating high school and what my future looks like. I've worked a few jobs that were good experiences, I don't regret them all, but I've been in school for almost 2 years now and honestly hate it. I shouldn't be here but I haven't made the attempt to get a job and get back to the working life. I guess a part of me is having a hard time of letting go of the lack of responsibility I (mostly) had while growing up. I think I will get down to it at the start of the New Year.
Other than that, the majority of my free time has been spent playing video games, or more specifically, a single video game named WoW. I'm not going to say I completely regret playing the game for so long. I've had a lot of fun times on there with friends. But, I do wish that I had spent the last 4 years of my life on something else.
For the past few weeks I haven't been on the game for more than a few minutes, and I really don't miss it at all. I find much more joy in writing, playing guitar or drums, singing, playing beatmania/DDR, etc. I used to think I loved playing MMORPGs because of the value of 'accomplishment'. I put time into my character and get to see the rewards for that and show them off. But now, I find much more joy in being able to say "Holy shit, I can pass Vault of Heaven on hyper now, I couldn't do that a few weeks ago," then I ever did by saying "Wow look at my new piece of epic gear..."
So I don't know about all that. The expansion pack of course comes out in about a month, but I'm really not excited about it. At all. All the work I've put into the game for the past 2.5 years is going to be negated quickly by the natural progression of an MMO post-expansion. I mean, it is what it is, I guess, but I'm just ready to be done with it. I think I'm ready to be done with MMOs in general, but I haven't decided for sure. Yet.
In gaming related news, I recently started playing BF2 again and, I don't know what happened, but I am fucking amazing these days. Like seriously, I might not get the best team scores, but my accuracy with the sniper has somehow dramatically improved after not playing for months. Weird.
There's a fuckton of road construction going on in my town right now, and it pisses me off for one reason only; Whenever an intersection is under construction, the stoplights never work properly. It's seriously beyond aggravating having to sit at a red light waiting to go straight for 5 minutes, because the left turn lights are on for cars that aren't there. WOW. Fix the damn lights you assholes. I find myself having to pull a fucking National Treasure and go the most random, obscure backstreets just to get across town.
Actually been making some progress on LTTS lately, and it's been as surprising as it has gratifying that I've been getting that much done. I was scared I wouldn't be able to continue it after I realized I hadn't updated it for 3 months, but I found that coming back to it was pretty easy, and I've been happy with what I've added to it since then. Hopefully others will see it up to my "par", whatever that may be.
My brother is getting married this weekend, and I'm not going. It's a long, drama-licious story that is way too long for this post, but basically the shit is going to hit the fan when my family realizes that I'm not there. That's OK, I mean my family sucks and is full of completely insane narcissists, but still.
Beatmania IIDX 15: DJ Troopers is coming out in December! I can't wait. I've been playing it rabidly at the arcade for the past year and I can't wait to pop it in the PS2 and play through all the awesome songs in that version at home.
I guess that's all for now. It's 4:30 AM and I really need to try and fall asleep. I'm getting a weird twitch in my left eye too, I think that means it's time to close my laptop here. I really wish I wasn't such an insomniac.
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